Friday, September 4, 2009

Project Runway: Surf's Up And Standards Are Down


Is it moi, or has Heidi Klum completely lost whatever taste she had now that Project Runway is in Los Angeles? For the runway show, she emerged in a black dress so tight you could see her caesarian scars, with a strange sort of blingy yarn thing at the neck. And once again Michael Kors was nowhere to be seen, replaced this week by Max Azria. (Mr. Azria’s every utterance was subtitled, as if he were speaking pidgin English. Strange, but there were so many strange moments in this episode!)

This week the designers were carted to the beach. The first truly strange moment: they were met by the unreal vision of Tim Gunn wearing flips-flops! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

Excuse me. Ahem.

The challenge was to make a fun surfer look. Several surfer babes stood around to talk to the designers about what they like in swimwear. Not surprisingly one surfer girl says she likes clothing that reminds her of the water. Thank you, Ms. Noam Chomsky.

However, the designers had to work in teams. When the dust cleared, or should I say the sand, the teams were: Shirin and Carol Hannah, Logan and Christopher, Nicolas and Gordana, Mitchell and Ra’mon, Althea and Louise, Qristyl and Epperson, and Johnny and Irina.

Ra’mon justifiably felt like he was being thrown under a bus, working with the man who’d been in the Bottom Two twice and was now embracing the role with gusto, from what I could see. (I had seen from the first that Mitchell was a yellow-toothed moron.)

The surfer challenge seemed simple enough, even though working in teams went against the grain of nearly every designer. The most disastrous combination, in terms of personal chemistry, was Epperson and Qristyl. They both have odd names, shouldn’t they have got along?

Interestingly, I found Epperson overbearing and insulting, while my male viewing companion felt Qristyl was, to put it inelegantly, a “bitch.” One kept hoping she’d grab his dreads and pull them and him into a large pressing machine, but it didn’t happen.

Shirin and Carol Hannah made sweet love, as did Althea and Louise; in other words, most of the designers were barely on camera because they were getting along. Not dramatic enough for reality television, you know.

Then, as happens on Project Runway, the designers were thrown another challenge: create an Avante-Garde look to accompany the surfer look. Everybody promptly fell apart, but the camera concentrated on Ra’mon. Then when Tim came through the workroom, he made it clear that Ra’mon’s wetsuit-inspired look was a hideous mistake. So at the last minute, Ra’mon grabbed some bright yellow neoprene, dyed some of it dark green, and sewed it into a mini-dress that to my taste was rather bizarre. Where was Team Leader Mitchell during all of this, you ask? Wandering around the workroom calling the other designers “bitches.” White boy, your ass is grass from where we sit.

And so it was. To be perfectly honest, none of the various looks stick in my mind, even after looking at pictures of them!

Althea’s design was not Avant-Garde, it was more Viva Las Vegas:

Nicolas’s design could be called the Dark Underbelly of Viva Las Vegas. Really, could it get any sleazier? (Unfortunately, the full impact is lost in the photo--you can't see the strings tying the stockings together between her bare legs.)

Carol Hannah’s design seemed a bit more on the right track, if dull. (However, I love blue in any form.)

Now this is the first surprise: Ra’mon won for his strange neoprene dress! How incredibly bizarre.

Did Heidi really say “I would wear that”? As I said, her taste has disappeared. However, I felt glad for the dear boy, he went through so much.

The second surprise was that his partner, Mitchell, got the boot. The first time a designer from the WINNING team has been auf’ed! But faithful readers, he was asking for it. And if he wasn’t asking for it, every viewer in America was.

One hopes he got some dental work when he got home. Crest Whitestrips, perhaps?


Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

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